Wednesday, July 23, 2008
This summer, I have been in a funk. Not every day, not every waking moment. But, I have consistently been feeling down. The thing about being in a funk is that Newton's law of inertia applies. You know, things that are in motion tend to stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. So, the more funkified I feel, the easier it is to to continue spiraling down the ladder of funkedupness. When I'm wearing my funky glasses, everything looks dim. Every interaction seems intended to offend me. Every resentful thought I have feels justified. Alternately, guilt about my poor performance as a person/ Christian/ mother/ wife/ friend sets in. I descend down one more rung of the ladder.
No people, this is not PMS.
Why am I feeling down? Who knows. There are a host of reasons I'll not detail on my blog for the world to dissect. My point in disclosing this funk is that yesterday I realized I was the only one who could extract myself from it. Many of you are probably thinking, "Hmm, isn't God the only one that can actually help you here?" Technically, spiritual people, you are right. But, here's the problem. In my funkiness, I actually avoid God. I know, I know... a pastor's wife avoiding God? A pastor's wife not feeling spiritually fulfilled? Houston, we have a problem! Truth is, God is the only one that can save me from myself. But, if I'm intentionally removing myself from his presence to continue the charade of justification-of-my-bad-attitude, then there's not much He can do, given his gift of free will to humanity.
Soooo, my plan is this. Do nothing. Sit quietly and let Jesus love me. Basically, just stop. Apparently charging ahead alone is not really working for me. This is a lesson I have to learn over and over again. I know we're all in process, all at different mile markers in the race. Right now, I'm at the hydration station getting some fuel for the rest of the race.